♥ . It scares me to see where i`ve walked through my life . ♥

Y Tuesday, August 4, 2009

. 3rd August 2009 .
. Apologies for neglecting this page . But for today , let me go personal . I hav no one else to turn tO even the biggest, the dumbest side of me , the most hurting for me & others has happened in my life . Everything was ugly . Everything was a lie . I had enough . Nev wanna hurt others . But wif yr actions yr lies u made it all . I can`t believe how stupid i am . To belief u time & time again . To forgive u time & time again . And all ?? . I was all alone ... Sitting downstairs , going crazy , crying & hurting myself . She , she has yr family side . She and yr family was waiting for u to go hOme . To settle everything . And me ?? . i hav NO ONE at all . NO one . I`m the one tat hurt there too BUT why . I did nth wrong . All was u . And all was on me . Each time , i found out abt u . U said all u wan & i CAN`T BELIEVE how STUPID I am to belief u . To forgive u . And today , wif my own eyes . I`ve seen it all . U holding her back . When u said it was over . U lying to me when she`s not there . When dunnO u or her purposely called me to let me hear her presence wif u . And u can lie abt it . Until i see it wif my own eyes . Don`t lie to me anymore . I don`t deserve all this shit . NOT at all . Knowing u for so long it was even stupid to be wif u . But WHY !? . U hav done the ugliest things on earth . But why ?? . WHY do i even hav to hurt myself ?? . I`m not some girls who wants u even how ugly yr past , yr presence and who u are now . I don`t need yr money nor yr families . My family can give me better . I don`t need yr car neither , my family can give me better . I don`t need u to support me , cuz i can support myself and u at the same time . BUT WHY !? . All i needed was u to NOT LIE , was for u TO BE FAITHFUL AND TRUTHFUL . How i lost my frenz and my family to be wif u . I don`t need anything from u . But u gave me everything . EVERYTHING tat a girl WOULDN`T WANT . Not only me , u hurt innocent party . Why muz i stay ?? . And why am i staying !? . Itz not tat i`m some CHEAP girls u know tat i hav to faster get myself SOLD out . Itz not tat i don`t hav education nOr future to wan somebody to support . Itz not tat my family is poor tat i hav to find a better family to support . NO . NOT AT ALL . Not even a single bit . But why am i staying wif u ?? . I did nth wrong at all to u before . Why are u treating me like this . And who i hav ?? . She got hurted , at least . She could go back to yr home . Get comfort get love . And me who didn`t do anything wrong at all , who`s the one tat being hurt by YOU . I get nth . I suffered all ALONE downstairs after Pat left . All ALONE . Each time i always pray to god . WHY ?? . Why muz u give me this kinda life when i`ve not done anything at ALL . For HIM , i got wat i deserve bec i did not treat him well wif my temper when he treated me the best . But i learnt . I`ve not showed any temper when u didn`t do anything wrong . I try my best to change , to belief u , to give u chance . ANd this is all i get . EVERYTHING WAS A LIE . I`ve hurt u wif my temper . I`m sorry . But u`ve hurt me even more . And plz .. BE FAIRER . I DIDN`T DO ANYTHING WRONG . PLZ DON`T DO THIS to me anymore .

. I`ve helped u even as fren through yr downfall through yr troubles . I told u , i nev wanna hav anything in return . Juz don`t lie to me , don`t hurt me . Each time i found out i gave u chance . I forgave u . But now ?? .

. U told me , i nev asked for anything . Tatz why u nev gave me anything . No bags , no shoes , no wallet , no ANYTHING . Bec u said i nev ask . Even a cab fare home or watever . I nev took from u . I told u all i wan is truth , love , faithfulness & commitment . I told u , U CAN`T THEN LEAVE . Cuz we don`t hav to suffer together . U promised the WHOLE WORLD . U hav not did a single bit . I gave u time and kept quiet . But don`t give me anything tat i NEV ASKED for ...

. I`ve got nobody to turn to but here . ANd it was a bec of u .....

. I`m holding all the hurts alone . ALL ALONE . Can someone be here . Can someone care for me ?? . Plz . I nev turn to my parents bec they are very traditional . I`ve got to drink all alone to hide my sorrows , I gotta type this all alone while crying . Is this the only way to let out my sorrows ?? . I`m hurt . I`m really am , i`m alone . I`m really am . Can someone stay wif me ?? . Can someone be here wif me ?? . I don`t wan my life to be like this . I don`t wan . So wat a family is rich . So rich . SO WAT !? . I rather be poor and happy . I rather be ugly and being loved . I don`t wan to be typing while i`m half tipsy and crying all alone . NOBODY CARE CARE FOR ME . NOBODY IS HERE . WHY IZIIT SO UNFAIR . WHY !? . WHEN I DON`T DO ANYTHING WRONG , EVERYBODY PUT THE FAULT ON ME . I DON`T WAN GO THROUGH MY LIFE IN DARKNESS ANYMORE . I DON`T WAN TO LAY IN HOSPITAL BED ALONE AGAIN ALONE . I`M DRINKING ALONE FACING THE BALCONY WIF THE LONELY VIEW . AND TAT HURTS ME EVEN EVEN MORE !!!! . I NEV DO ANYTHING WRONG . WHY GOD WHY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . WHY MUZ U DO THIS TO ME !!!! . I HAD ENOUGH OF THE PAST WHY MUZ U DO THIS AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . U SAVED MUMMY FROM HER HURT LET HER BUILT UP EVERYTHING . BUT WHY . I WAN GET LOVE . I WANNA GO CRY TO MUMMY AND GET HUGS WHEN I`M HURT . BUT I CAN`T . CUZ I KNOW MUMMY WILL HATE HIM AND I DON`T WAN . AND WAT ?? . I DON`T HAV A SIBILING TO TURN TO BEC MY ONLY BROTHER DON`T TALK TO ME AND HIT ME WHEN I`M YOUNG . SO TELL ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . WATZ THE USE OF BEING IN A RICH FAMILY AND GOT NO LOVE . NOT EVEN FROM A BF !!!!!!!!!!?????????????? . WHO ONLY KNOWS HOW TO HURT U . WHO ONLY KNOWS HOW TO LIE . TELL ME !!!!!!! . I DON`T HAV LOVE , I TREAT MY FREN SO FUCKING WELL . THE FIRST FREN WHO IS WIF ME WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO SECONDARY SCH . BUT BETRAYING ME AND BIRTCHING BEHIND MY BACK BEC SHE GOT SOME OTHER FREN WHO INFULENCE HER . WHOM A NICE GIRL TURN INTO A BITCH AFTER U GROW UP WIF HER AND SHE`S GOT HER NEW FRENZ . I`M HURT . I`M ALWAYS BUT I NEV SHOWED . GOD , TAKE ME AWAY !!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . STOP THE HURT , STOP THE PAIN FROM FRENZ , FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIP EVEN RELATIONSHIP PARENTS WHO CALL U TO SCOLD WHENEVER WHEN I DIDN`T DO ANYTHING . WHOM U HELP SO MUCH EVEN HE OWES PPL MONEY U HAV TO TAKE OUT YR LIL ALLOWNCE TO HELP HIM . WHO U NEV EVER EXPECT ANYTHING BUT LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS . GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . PLZ SAVE ME . I`M HURT ENOUGH FROM PAST RELAIONSHIP . NOW !'? . FROM FRENZ , FAMILY AND SAME RELATIONSHIP . I DON`T WAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . I THINK TAT I WAS ALWAYS NICE . TO SAVE FRENZ WHO QUARREL . TO SAVE PPL . TO EVERYTHING I THINK OF PPL MPORE THAN MYSELF . BUT WHY IS PPL TREATING ME LIKE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . BEC I BORN IN RICH FAMILY ?????????????????. BEC PPL LOVE ME WHEN I NEV MAKE THEM LOVE ME ?????????????????? . BEC PPL JEALOUSY WHEN I DIDN`T DO ANYTHING ?????????????????????? . BEC I LOVE THE WRONG GUY OVER AND OVER AGAIN . GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . PLZ . I NEV NEV EVER DO ANYTHING WRONG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . THE ONLY THING I`M WRONG NOW IS LOVING THE WRONG GUY AND BEING STUPID !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . AND I`M SUFFERING ALL THIS BY MYSELF . U KNOW !? . MYSELF . DEAR LORD JESUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . U TOUCHED ME BEFORE . I BELIEVED IN U SO MUCH BEFORE . BUT NOW WAT ARE U GIVING TO ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . I HATE MY LIFE . NO MATTER IF I`M IN A RICH FAMILY . I WAS NEV PROUD . BEC MOM TAUGHT ME NEV BE PROUD BEC SHE CLIMB INTO HER STATUS TODAY WIF HER OWN HANDS . BEC WE WERE NEV BORN IN A RICH FAMILY UNTIL THEY CLIMBBED !!!!!!!!!! . I HAV NEV WANNA BE HURT AND NEV WANNA HURT OTHERS . NOW OTHER GIRL IS HURT . NOW I`M EVEN MORE HURT . PLZ TAKE ME BACK WIF U GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . PLZ ............................................................... I`M HURTING .

. 4.14 am .

YYY
. It seems like juz yesterday when i still hav u in my arms . If only i can be in control of time ...
2:26 AM